Post Meltdown Calmitude
Okay everyone, after that melodramatic meltdown of Halloweekend, I'm calmer now and getting some perspective. A very kind lady said to me this week that I needed to get offline, out and meet some people in real life. I do appreciate what she's saying, but I think I need to clarify a few things for her and for some of y'all out there.
I am actually out in the world in real life a lot, but a lot of the time it's either work related (teaching classes, tutoring) or family related (taking care of my kids, taking them to activities, doing things with their Aunt/Uncle/Cousins/Classmates & Their Families). It's just not socializing much outside of work and family. I also work out 3 to 4 times a week at 24 Hour Fitness, I go to church with my kids most sundays for worship (won't say where due to privacy concerns) and there is a Starbucks I hang out at regularly and know some of the staff and the other regulars. I also am friends with the owners of a restaurant I eat at a couple of times a month and the owners of a local comic book store I where I'm a subscriber.
I'm not really into bars, but I love watching hockey. The sports bars in Houston do not show much hockey though and usually even when it's on, if too many other patrons want to watch college football, then I don't get to watch it in that setting. I usually watch it at home via my grey market Shaw Direct Dish.
However, I do agree I need more social opportunities with larger groups of people which leads to more potential dates.
Met Someone at the Gym, but Doesn't Work Out
Speaking of 24 hour Fitness, I have been chatting up a lady there for the past 4 weeks, but nothing has happened with that beyond a few texts, a few phone calls and quick chats after working out. I have asked her out to coffee or dinner a couple of times, but have been told she's busy (she's a hairstylist who works 5 days a week and is only off on Wednesdays & Sundays. She's also a single mom and has a 6 year old son). I've tried to find a time that fits both of our schedules, but she hasn't really done more than just say Hi, politely chat with me for a few minutes or reply to my texts. The bottom line is I've written it off because it is just too hard to just get a date for coffee with her, and if she were really interested in me she'd try to sort it out with me.
The issue at had isn't that I'm some schlub sitting at home with 4 computers and an XBox and have no human interaction. The issue at hand is more that my time to socialize with others doesn't match theirs between my kids and my jobs, and until that changes I just may not get anywhere relationship-wise. I've been trying to get something going online/long distance wise becaue the other venues I've been using have had some success, but nothing leading to a true long-term relationship like I want.
Dating Methods I have Tried Post Divorce
Match. com
Using this service has led to some medium-term committed relationships (6 months to 1 yr 3 months) and a lot of dates. While many elements of it have been good (many of the women have been attractive, educated and were semi-giving in sex), the problem has been that many of the women have been either personally selfish (i.e. wanting to date me but not wanting to deal with my kids, one even said if I wanted to keep dating her I'd have to send my kids to live with my ex-wife--she was dumped on the spot) or were pressuring me to get married way too quickly. I've been married and divorced once already. I need to date a woman and know her well for a few years before I remarry.
I have to have at least 1 year to see if we work together, and then another year to see if she and my kids work together. There are A LOT of women out there who will be sweet and nice if it's just you and her, or you, her and her kids by some other dude. However, when the guy has kids, she'll be the wicked girlfriend or stepmother, blame your kids when it's her selfishness, and do all kinds of things to make you not have your kids or have contact with them anymore. No way! I want at least a year or three so make sure she will be nice to my kids, will respect them, that my kids will respect her and that we can form a cohesive family unit. FYI, I expect my kids to respect my girlfriend, to obey her and to treat her with the same respect and courtesy like they would a teacher or one of their aunts.
Craigslist
Met three women, had a bunch of dates, was intimate with one of the women, most were just looking for fun or a sugar daddy, no serious relationship. Got tired of it real quick.
Plenty of Fish
Most of the Fish on there were Carp!
Speed Dating
This was fun, but none of the women I checked that I wanted to go out with checked me, and several women I did not check and had no attraction or interest in did check me. Was discouraged and pissed at the money they charged on it (over $100.00 for an arranged meetup for that evening! WTF?!?!?) and so won't try it again for a while. May reconsider it later--i.e. do it in Vancouver or Toronto rather than Houston.
Hazard of Dating Post Divorce with Kids
Only two of my girlfriends post-divorce have met my kids. One of them I introduced way too soon. She verbally abused my daughter in front of me in a restaurant in their first meeting over something very minor that a 6.5 year old would do (be a little whiney). She was dumped on the spot.
The other was the one I dated for 1 year, 3 months. She met my son first and they got along very well. We did some activities together before she met my daughter. My daughter was cooler to her due to the previous experience, but she was respectful. My daughter has trouble adapting to changes and is slow to warm up to new adults. That woman was in a bit too much of a hurry to get married and got frustrated with my daughter. Before we could work through those things, my ex-wife caused a big dramatic piece of trouble and the relationship ended.
What I am looking for in a Woman
I realize none of us can order a date/partner out of a catalog. At the same time, there are some areas where we are flexible and some where we are not flexible. These are the attributes I'm looking for, for what it is worth:
Ideally she would be of East Asian Ancestry, preferably Chinese or Vietnamese, though I am open to dating Korean, Filipino, Japanese, Malaysian or Indonesian. I'd also be open to dating a Caucasian or Latin woman with dark hair, dark eyes and olive or fair complexion.
Age range is 28 to 50. This sounds broad, but there are some great women in their late 20s that are very mature and wouldn't mind dating a man who's a little bit older. Similarly there are some beautiful women in their mid to late 40s who are a lot of fun to be with and I don't want to count them out either. Ideally, she'd be between 37 and 47 (plus or minus 5 years of my real age) as we'd have more common experiences in that range without either of us being too old or young for eachother.
I'd like her to be educated--at least some college, and be intellectually strong as well as have a lot of common sense. I am not looking for someone to mother me, nor am I looking for someone for whom I have be a daddy. I also do not have patience for adults who act like kids--irresponsible, always looking for someone else to rescue them and clean up their messes. It's one thing to have fun like a kid--I love doing that. But Kids in Adults bodies is not fun at all--especially for those who love them. I do not want go there.
I'm looking for someone who is employed and is hopefully working in a field they enjoy on some professional level. I am employed and earn income. I'm not looking to sponge off of someone nor do I want someone sponging off of me. I believe that a man should invite and pay for the first few dates, but it is nice if a woman offers to help pay for it or if there's some sharing (i.e. I pay for dinner, she pays for coffee/dessert elsewhere later on). I'm not looking for a sugar mama and I am nobody's sugar daddy.
I am looking for a woman with a good sense of humour--who loves to laugh and have fun, but can also be serious and thinks deeply about things--life, love, the world we live in. I am also looking for someone who is healthy and takes care of herself. I DO NOT EXPECT PERFECTION. I am in the process of losing weight, and have lost 33 lbs this year. A few extra pounds is okay with me. But I'm not built like Chris Farley and I do not want to date a woman who's built like Roseanne in the early years or like Molly on Mike and Molly either.
I don't mind someone who socially drinks as I do the same, but no alcoholics, please! I also am not 420 friendly in dating either. I don't smoke pot or do illegal drugs, or abuse prescription or over the counter drugs and I don't want to date someone that does either. Again, I do not judge pot smokers, but I personally do not partake of it and don't want to have that complication in my dating relationships or have it around my kids. I also do not smoke--smoking tobacco killed my grandparents and though the product is legal, my family history has affected how I view it. I do not hate smokers, but I do not want to date one either.
I don't care of a woman is religious or not, but I just ask that she not judge my faith either. I am a Cafeteria Protestant Christian who believes in God and is very spiritual, but does not follow all the tenets of the faith to the letter either. I have dated women who were Agnostics, Taoist, Buddhists, Pagans, etc. as well as Christians. We would have lively discussions on faith and spirituality but we never tried to convert eachother and that's the way I like it.
I also do not care what a woman's political stripe is either. I am a Fiscal Conservative (favour small government to big, favour personal responsibility over social safety net) but a Social Progressive (it is all our job to take care of the environment and recycle, I favour public health programs that are properly managed, I think people's sexual preferences are their own business and not the government's). I never vote a straight ticket. I voted for many Republicans in the recent election, but voted for a Democrat for Governor and for a few Democrats for Judges because they were the better choice, bar none. I have dated women that were very right wing as well as those that were extremely liberal. We agreed to disagree and respected eachother, but had some lively discussions where we both were able to understand our individual stances on the issue better. What I cannot tolerate are self-righteous liberals or conservatives that subscribe to the belief that they are right and that anyone who disagrees with them is wrong. I've met a few of those and that doesn't work for me.
I am an omnivore. I love meat, starch, vegetables and fruit and dairy products. However a fully organic, free-range diet is not affordable to me and I make no apologies for it. I don't care if a woman is mainly a carnivore, an omnivore, a vegetarian or a vegan, just as long as she doesn't try to force her personal dietary choices on me, then we will get along just fine. I will always respect and make reasonable accomodations for those who have dietary choices or restrictions, but I won't bend over backwards or change my personal choices if they don't line up with yours.
I do not care if she's never been married or is divorced, but I will not date a married woman and I won't date a woman who's divorce is not final. I also don't date women with boyfriends or who are attached. No sharing in that regard. I don't care if she has kids or not, but no more than 2 kids of hers as I have 2 kids and 4 kids with 2 adults in the same house is all I could handle.
As far as temperment, I'd prefer someone who is kindhearted and is a flexible giver. A bit of attitude and occasional anger is normal; feisty is a lot of fun as well. What I do not want is a hotheaded woman who is perpetually angry over trivial things. Men that are like that are just as bad as women like that. I also prefer a woman who is somewhat empathetic and can deal with a man who likes to talk and is emotional (not hot tempered, but expresses his emotions and does cry in appropriate circumstances).
Other physical attributes I like: Long black hair (shoulder length is good too), dark eyes, slim to medium build, curvy body, medium to full lips, wears some makeup but doesn't go overboard, wears some perfume but doesn't go overboard, is well maintained, but not perfect. Has some breasts, but isn't flat chested like a teenage boy or ridiculously endowed like a porn star.
In those items up there, I've tried to show preferences and flexibility. My true ideal is below:
Asian woman, 37 to 47, Single or Divorced, medium build with shoulder length or longer dark hair, Educated, Professionally employed, hardworking, dedicated, spiritual but not religious, healthy, nonsmoking, social-drinking, moderately tempered, empathetic who's a good conversationalist and a good sense of humour;
There should be a few women in Houston, Vancouver or Toronto like that who might like me, I would hope.
Long Term Career and Location Plans
I am working on a long-term plan to move to Vancouver, BC or Toronto, ON, but that's going to be in 5 to 10 years. My short term plan is to get a Full Time Instructor position at one of the Colleges I'm teaching at here in Texas and build on my experience Most colleges count adjunct experience as 1/2 of full time experience, so my 18 years at One College equals 9 years FT experience, my 4 years at another = 2 years, and my 2 years at a 3rd equals 1 year, meaning I have 12 years equivalent to Full Time college teaching experience. However, FT college instructors also have to sometimes sit on committees and sponsor student organizations. I figure if I get a couple of years FT experience with these items, it would make it easier to get hired as an Econ instructor at a College in Vancouver or Toronto and make the move.
Thankfully, I have an interview for a FT position at one of the colleges where I teach on Friday Nov. 12th. Wish me success!!!
And unlike my profile, the content of this post is 100% real.
No comments:
Post a Comment